wandering, but not lost

It’s so fucking HARD being a perfectionist. I wanna have a perfect body and perfect grades and get into a perfect college and be the perfect girlfriend , but none of that is the least bit possible. And it’s SO frustrating because I keep reaching and reaching for it and ill NEVER get there because that level just does not exist. Yet I still convince myself that, yes, it is possible, I’m just not good enough to get there.

posted 5 days ago with notes

otes

#glasses
#me

Brace face and four eyes now.

posted 4 weeks ago with notes

otes

#fuck
#me

Course the weekend I train for work again it’s supposed to be cold and shitty which means no one will come and they’ll lay me off again ugh. I need this money for my ticket to Florida grrrrrr. And my luck this is the first year in what like 20 years they had to shut down in the middle of march ughughughughuguhub

posted 1 month ago with 1 notes

otes

#me
#fed up
#breakdown

Even my boyfriend asks me to change who I am…like what am supposed to turn into to be universally accepted?

And I can’t STAND when people close to me leave me alone and upset. It’s just fucking rude. I guess sleeping is more important than me. Invisible me.

posted 4 months ago with notes

otes

#eating disorder
#anorexia
#me
#my rant
#doctor
#ed

Do eating disorders ever go away..like really I want an answer now. Not that bullshit my doctor who doesn’t even remember my name, if I have a brother or sister, what sports I play, or anything about me, gives me. I want a yes or no answer. From someone who has been through it. Not some doctor who thinks he knows what I’m going through or seems to always know what I think and patronizes me.
I eat a fucking salad and my thoughts are..I shouldn’t have ate that. I should have ate *…*. Or I eat a piece of chocolate and next evaluation I have for myself in the mirror it looks like I’ve gained 10 pounds. I’m way past recovery…but am I really? Does recovery last your whole life? I don’t need a fucking therapist to “talk to”. They don’t give a fuck. I don’t care what anyone says. They don’t care. Nor do they even have the slightest idea as to what you’re thinking/feeling. They try but they don’t.

I used to think my doctor was my hero. But now I know he is no where near a hero to me. Yes, the first day I came in he checked my heart, my blood levels, checked my fingernails and my skin, and most importantly diagnosed me with anorexia which was obvious at that point..but really that’s all he did. The rest was up to me and he told me that. I was the one who started eating more and more everyday. I logged my foods and made myself stronger and sort of changed my thinking ways. He didn’t do anything but tell me what to do and weigh me. I had to LEARN how to be strong and he didn’t help. He encouraged me which I’m so thankful for but I did it all. Which brings me to why I dislike him so much now. He doesn’t remember one thing about me. And I realize he has a ton of other patients and a family of his own, but I believe these things should be personal. The only way they should be is personal because that’s the only way you could find out the problem. And by trusting your doctor and getting closer to him/her makes it harder to lie. It makes it harder to say you’re doing great when you’re doing anything but.

But finally after my rant the question remains….do eating disorders ever go away or do they linger in the empty parts of your mind forever?

posted 4 months ago with 1 notes

otes